I came crawling home last night, like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door
And she said, You're not gonna do this anymore
She said I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall
She said Just bring your Friday paycheck, and I'll cash them all right here
And I'll keep on tap for all your friends, their favorite kinds of beer
And for you, I'll always keep in stock, those soft aluminum cans
And when you're feeling macho, you can crush them like a man
She said We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor
Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels, and I won't cook no more
There'll be Monday night football, on TV above the bar
And a pay phone in the hallway, when your friends can't find their car
She said I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall
She said You'll get friendly service, and for added atmosphere
I'll slip on something sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here
Then you can slap my bottom, every time you tell a joke
Just as long as you keep tipping, well, I'll laugh until you're broke
She said Instead of family quarrels, we'll have a bar room brawl
When the Ham's bear say's its closing time, you won't have far to crawl
And when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank
You can sleep it off next morning, when I'm putting it in the bank
She said I'm gonna' hire a wino, to decorate our home
So you can feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
When you and your friends get off from work, and have a powerful thirst
There won't be any reason, why you can't stop off here first
She said I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall