[Father:]
Well Ryan, tomorrow's a big day. Your mom's coming home from the hospital with your new baby sister.
[Ryan:]
baby sister
[Father:]
That's right, baby sister.
[Ryan:]
baby sister
[Father:]
So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
[Ryan:]
safety rules
[Father:]
Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
[Ryan:]
wash hands
[Father:]
Do you know why?
[Ryan:]
no
[Father:]
Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
[Ryan:]
germs make baby sick
[Father:]
That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
[Ryan:]
germs make the baby sick
[Father:]
Okay, rule number two.
[Ryan:]
more rules
[Father:]
Don't feed the baby anything.
[Ryan:]
don't feed the baby.
[Father:]
That's right.
[Ryan:]
why?
[Father:]
Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
[Ryan:]
why?
[Father:]
Oh...well, other food is bad for the baby.
[Ryan:]
other food bad for the baby
[Father:]
That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
[Ryan:]
more rules
[Father:]
Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:]
water bad for the baby
[Father:]
Well, not all water, just hot water,
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
Cause hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:]
i don't understand, daddy
[Father:]
Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
Well, this water is okay for the baby.
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
Here, touch the glass.
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
See, it's nice and cool.
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby?
[Father:]
Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby
[Father:]
Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn your baby
[Father:]
Yes.
[Ryan:]
baby can't go in swimming pool?
[Father:]
Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
That's alright.
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn the baby
[Father:]
Yes.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn the baby
[Father:]
Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
[Ryan:]
yea, baby like tea
[Father:]
No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
[Ryan:]
baby no like tea?
[Father:]
Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
[Ryan:]
...hot water
[Father:]
Right, and what did we say about hot water?
[Ryan:]
...oh, hot water burn baby
[Father:]
Yes, hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
That's right so no tea near the baby.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby
[Father:]
Yes.
[Ryan:]
baby no take bath?
[Father:]
No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
[Ryan:]
yes
[Father:]
Hot is bad.
[Ryan:]
yes...hot water burn baby
[Father:]
Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby
[Father:]
I think you're gettin' it!
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby
[Father:]
That's right, Ryan.
[Ryan:]
hot water burn baby
[Father:]
NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
[Narrator:]
30 year later!
[Wife:]
Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
[Ryan:]
Just watchin' the discovery channel.
[Wife:]
Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
[Ryan:]
Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
[Wife:]
Okay, honey!
[Ryan:]
Yeah.
[TV:]
The villagers of Pasquan
[Ryan:]
Pasquan
[TV:]
have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
[Ryan:]
[garbled]
[TV:]
Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
[Ryan:]
My God.
[TV:]
That explains the Pasquan's low population.
[Ryan:]
Yeah, it does.
[TV:]
On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
[Ryan:]
Deerskin.
[TV:]
...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
[Ryan:]
That's nice.
[TV:]
The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
[Ryan:]
ya-yara
[TV:]
Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
[Ryan:]
Wow.
[TV:]
...four times.
[Ryan:]
Four times.
[TV:]
Once for the sun,...
[Ryan:]
Hmm.
[TV:]
...once for the moon,...
[Ryan:]
The moon.
[TV:]
...once for the earth,...
[Ryan:]
The earth.
[TV:]
...and once for the wind.
[Ryan:]
The wind, too.
[TV:]
When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
[Ryan:]
What?
[TV:]
...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
[Ryan:]
What are you saying here?
[TV:]
As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
[Ryan:]
No.
[TV:]
...and dunk them into the steaming water.
[Ryan:]
No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:]
Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
You are a bitch, Ryan!
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:]
Ryan, are you alright?
[Father:]
Hot water burn the baby!
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:]
Ryan!
[Father:]
What are you gonna do, whore?
[Wife:]
Ryan!
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
Bitch!
[Wife:]
Ryan! What's going on out there?
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Father:]
Whore!
[Wife:]
Who are you talking to?
[Father:]
Bitch!
[Ryan:]
I'm talking to the man!
[Father:]
Whore!
[Ryan:]
Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:]
Ryan!
[Father:]
Bitch! Ryan is a whore!