Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk
to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl. He
lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like it when
you get his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for
worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest
maggots in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl pleads this
might be due to the fact that St. Smizzen's Medical Facility has been
dumping their waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot
maggots in that ... well, one day the china disappeared, and the next
day the television disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57 Chevy
disappeared. But there they are - the world's biggest maggots.
Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standing in the kitchen - giant maggots
crawling across the floor - and Earl turns to me and he says, "Did you
ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over
it?" And he gives me a look that still chills me to this day.
Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior. Which I think is
pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy.
Ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5,000 in 976 phone
bills. He called weird, unnatural numbers, like 976-PIGG with two G's,
and "976-SHEEP." Which has five letters in it, I know. He's a sick
boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him. So I went into
his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a word, Earl
Junior looked at me, and he said, "Did ya ever go to make a pork
sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave me a look
that chills me to this day.
Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue
- she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a ... a
big pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St.
Smizzen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his maggot farm. I never
had much contact with Essie, Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think
that much of her to get her name right. I never had much contact with
her. She just normally just sits on the couch like a little ball of
fungus and just boils away. But one day, she looked at me. And that
little ball of fungus opened its mouth - or what I guess was its mouth,
I'd hate to think what else it could be - and out of that orifice
floated the words, "Did ya ever go to make a pork sausage and find it's
got hair all over it?", and then that, that little ball of fungus gave
me a look that chills me to this day.
Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her Wife. We don't know her name,
because she's never really said that much. For the longest time, we
thought she could only say two words. Which were "dog" and "pussy." We
thought that meant "dog" and "cat," but then we found out that what she
was really trying to say was "dog-pussy," one big hyphenated word.
Which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst
Baptists. We never heard her say anything other than that. You know,
she works down at St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
Distillery. Got a good-paying job there, although she only does say
those - well that one word. And we have heard her say another thing
once, but that was a long time ago. We were sitting around the house, and
she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage,
and find that it's got hairs growing all over it?", and she gave me a
look that chills me to this day.
Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishing down in Miller's
Creek. He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy." He took his
son, Earl Junior, who took the day off from calling 976 barnyard
numbers. And he took that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of
his along with him. They all got in a little boat and they started
fishing. Now St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery
has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of
heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with little things on
them that say "St. Smizzen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
Distillery." Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed bass,
which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed
bass. Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to
eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open. But that fish looked up
at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl
said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a maggot farm! My wife
can only say 'dog-pussy!' My daughter is a pile of fungus! My son
spent all his college money calling 976 numbers! I have to eat you!"
And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me! mister, please!" And he
said, "I have to! I have to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if
you're gonna cut me open, let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to
eat a pork sausage and find that it's got hairs growing all over it?"
And then, all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl. And they stared
back at his wife who could only say "dog-pussy." And they stared back
at his weird 976 animal-calling son. And they stared back at that
little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter. And they gave them
a look! All twenty-seven eyes gave them a look! A look that they would
not forget until this very day!!
Ah, man!