I should never have gone to the theater,
Then I'd never have come to the country
If I never had come to the country,
Matters might have stayed as they were
Sir, sir
If she'd only been faded,
If she'd only been fat,
If she'd only been jaded and bursting with chat,
If she'd only been perfectly awful,
It would have been wonderful
If, If
If she'd been all atwitter,
Or elusively cold,
If she'd only been bitter,
Or better, looked passably old
If she'd been covered with glitter,
Or even covered with mold,
It would have been wonderful
But the woman was perfection
To my deepest dismay
Well, not quite perfection
I'm sorry to say
If the woman were perfection
She would go away
And that would be wonderful
Sir, Sir
If she'd only looked flustered
Or admitted the worst,
If she only had blustered
Or simpered or cursed,
If she weren't so awfully perfect,
It would have been wonderful
If, If
If she'd tried to be clever,
If she'd started to flinch,
If she'd cried or whatever a woman would do in a pinch,
If I'd been certain she never again could be trusted an inch,
It would have been wonderful
But the woman was perfection,
Not an action denied
The kind of perfection
I cannot abide
If the woman were perfection,
She'd have simply lied
Which would have been wonderful
If she'd only been vicious,
If she'd acted abused,
Or a bit too delicious,
Or been even slightly confused
If she had only been sulky,
or bristling,
or bulky,
or bruised,
it would have been wonderful
If, If
If she'd only been willful,
If she only had fled
Or a little less skillful,
Insulted, insisting,
In bed,
If she had only been fearful,
Or married,
or tearful,
or dead,
it would have been wonderful
But the woman was perfection
And the prospects are grim,
That lovely perfection
That nothing can dim,
Yes, the woman was perfection,
So I'm here with him
Sir, sir
It would have been wonderful